When Leah and I first decided to start our family through IVF, we were filled with so much excitement and hope. We had made this huge decision—one that felt both terrifying and exhilarating—and we were ready to jump into this new chapter of our lives. But what we didn’t expect was how quickly that excitement would be met with a barrage of roadblocks and hurdles. Honestly, this journey has been overwhelming and, at times, really discouraging. It’s hard to stay hopeful when you’re constantly hit with financial strain and endless waiting.
Navigating IVF as a Queer Couple
As queer people, there are different paths we can take when it comes to starting a family. Some options are less expensive, but I couldn't imagine making such a significant decision about how we want to build our family based solely on cost. One of the most frustrating aspects of this process has been dealing with the lack of fertility benefits. Most insurance plans require proof of infertility to access benefits, which just doesn't apply to most queer people. This was a huge barrier for us, and it highlighted how our system is still catching up with the diverse ways people are building families today.
The Challenge of Choosing a Clinic
Choosing a clinic was another stressor. We ended up going with one that was more affordable, but it’s far from home and honestly, we haven’t had much personal connection with the staff yet. It’s hard not to second-guess our decision, especially when the process has been moving so slowly. We chose this clinic because it was a third of the cost of others we looked at, but I still wonder if we made the right choice.
A Glimmer of Joy: The Seed Scout
One of the few bright spots in this journey has been finding our donor through The Seed Scout. They reached out to us on Instagram, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that they did. The process with Seed Scout was truly beautiful. We got to choose someone we genuinely loved as a person to help us make this decision—someone who will be a part of our future, even though they weren’t part of our past. Our donor made a conscious decision to help another queer family, and that means the world to us. But the best part? We got to set the boundaries we wanted with him. How involved would he be? What kind of relationship did we want to build? We feel so lucky to have found such a wonderful human, and we’re beyond excited that our future kids will have a piece of him in them.
The Struggle of Setbacks and Delays
But after the joy of finding our donor, we were met with even more setbacks. We’ve had to go through testing, psych evaluations, and legal fees, all of which have added up quickly. And now we’re stuck in a waiting game, thanks to New York State’s laws. We’ve been waiting for months, unable to move forward until our donation is approved and shipped to our clinic. It’s frustrating, to say the least. We’re trying to prepare for the retrieval process, which will require us to be home for weeks, but right now, we’re just waiting and hoping for the best.
Leaning on Each Other
Through all of this, Leah and I have leaned on each other more than ever. I’m so grateful that we’re in this together. The financial strain has been intense—the donation alone will cost around $15,000, and we both want to do retrievals, which could cost us $25,000 each at most clinics. Thankfully, we found a clinic that’s more affordable at around $13,000 each. My company recently switched to a plan that might help cover some of the costs, but I’m not holding my breath—if you know anything about insurance you believe it when you see it.
Despite all the setbacks, we’re still so ready to start our family. This waiting period is hard, but we’re staying motivated by focusing on the future. We can’t wait to take the next steps and begin this new chapter in our lives.
Advice for Others on a Similar Journey
If you’re just starting your own IVF journey, especially as a queer person, my advice is to reach out and connect with others. You’re not alone in this. There’s a community out there who’s been through this, and their support can make all the difference.
Lessons Learned
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no one should ever question whether a queer person deserves to have a family. We’re putting in so much time, effort, and money because this means everything to us. This journey isn’t easy, but I know it’ll be worth it when we finally get to start the family we’ve dreamed of.
Much Love, Becky
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