Breaking Generational Cycles: Finding Peace in Chaos and Co-Parenting

I thought I had a pretty good handle on what "resilience" looked like. I expected a conversation about overcoming obstacles, sure. But I wasn't prepared for the sheer level of wisdom coming from a 25-year-old.

We need to talk about the kind of strength it takes to parent your own parents while you’re still a child.

Ciyla is a young mother, a nursing student, and a survivor of a childhood defined by instability. But what hit me the hardest wasn't just the trauma she endured; it was the calmness with which she speaks about it. She isn't bitter. She isn't raging. She is just determined to make sure the buck stops with her.

If you have ever felt like the "adult" in your family dynamic, or if you’re trying to raise kids differently than how you were raised, you need to hear this.

Growing Up in the Chaos

Ciyla’s story starts with movement. Constant, unsettling movement.

She describes her early years as a shuffle between grandparents, a father she saw on weekends, and a mother who came in and out of the picture. By the time she was 25, she estimates she had moved 14 or 15 times.

When you grow up like that, stability feels foreign. It actually feels scary. Ciyla dropped a line that made my chest tighten:

"Chaos means safety to me. When things get too calm, my fight or flight mode kicks in."

That is the reality for so many of us who grew up in volatile homes. We wait for the other shoe to drop because, historically, it always has.

But the instability wasn't just physical; it was emotional. Ciyla navigated relationships with step-parents that ranged from strict and controlling to deeply jealous. She was the kid who took care of herself—grades, chores, emotional regulation—because the adults in the room were too busy dealing with their own mess.

Then, at 16, tragedy struck.

Ciyla lost her best friend and first love, Bailey, in a car accident just days after Christmas.

This is where her story broke my heart. Instead of being held and supported, she was robbed of her grief. Family members and peers bullied her, telling her she "had no right" to mourn him the way she did because they were broken up at the time.

Imagine being 16, your world shattered, and having adults tell you that your pain isn't valid.

Despite the noise, the bullying, and the lack of protection from her parents, Ciyla kept going. She became a mom at 18—not out of fear, but with a surprising amount of readiness. She dove into motherhood with the same self-reliance that got her through childhood.

Today, she is navigating nursing school, raising two kids, and managing a co-parenting relationship that is honestly more mature than most marriages I’ve seen.

3 Things I Learned About Breaking Cycles

Sitting with Ciyla, I realized that healing isn't a straight line. It’s a series of choices we make every single day. Here is what I took away from our conversation.

1. Grieving a Living Parent is Complicated

We talk a lot about grieving the dead, but we rarely talk about the grief of a parent who is still alive but just... absent.

Ciyla opened up about her relationship with her father. She told a story about needing her tires rotated. She went to her stepdad, Mike, who taught her how to do it herself. It was a beautiful moment, but it highlighted a painful void.

Her biological father? He would have told her to go pay someone else to do it.

She said, "I grieve a father that is alive in a relationship that I didn't get."

She has to accept that he might be a "good man" in some eyes, but he wasn't a good father to her. That distinction is painful, but accepting it is part of the healing. You can stop banging on a door that is never going to open.

2. Co-Parenting Doesn't Have to Be War

I was blown away by how Ciyla and her ex-husband, Drake, handled their separation. They were only 20 years old, yet they sat down and planned their divorce with more logic than most people in their 40s.

They decided, before they even split, that they would not talk bad about each other in front of the kids. They wouldn't argue in front of them. They set the standard before the emotions took over.

Ciyla said something profound: "I knew what I didn't want for my kids. And I knew that if I did end up in a separation situation, that's how I was always going to want to handle it."

She used the roadmap of her own painful childhood as a guide for what not to do. It proves that you don't have to repeat what you were taught. You can look at the wreckage of your past and say, "Not in my house."

3. Your Standards Are Your Boundaries

We often think of boundaries as walls we put up to keep people out. Ciyla views them differently. She realized that her standards for how she wants to be treated are the boundaries.

If you cannot meet the standard of respect, kindness, and consistency, you naturally hit the boundary. You don't get access.

She has had to make the incredibly hard decision to block her father and stepmother at times because they weren't meeting the standard of being healthy influences for her children. It’s not about being mean; it’s about protection.

She said, "Once you find your grounding and knowing what you are going to allow in your life, your boundaries will be so much easier to place."

The Expert Take: The Power of "Thankful Ignorance"

There was a moment near the end of the episode where I asked Ciyla what she would say to someone feeling stuck in betrayal. Her answer actually silenced me for a second.

She said:

"Be thankful that you don't understand how somebody can do it, because it means that you never would."

This is such a powerful reframe.

When we are hurt by family, we spend so much energy trying to figure out why. Why did they choose that partner over me? Why didn't they protect me? Why are they so cruel?

Ciyla’s point is that you might never understand the "why" because you simply aren't wired that way. Your confusion is actually proof of your empathy. Your inability to grasp their cruelty is proof of your kindness.

That is where the healing lives. It’s not in getting an apology (because let’s be real, we usually don't get one). It’s in realizing that their behavior defines them, not you.

Ciyla is breaking the cycle not by fighting with the past, but by building a future that looks nothing like it. She is in nursing school, she is showing up for her kids, and she is buying the farm (literally, she wants pigs and cows).

She is proof that your history is not your destiny.

You Are Not Alone

If you are navigating a high-conflict co-parenting relationship, or if you are grieving a parent who is still physically here but emotionally gone, I see you. It is heavy work. But as Ciyla showed us, you can build a beautiful, peaceful life right in the middle of the mess.

You are doing a good job.

🎧 Listen to For The Hayters on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

📺 Watch the full video episode on YouTube

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