The Grief No One Talks About: Finding Light in Special Needs Parenting and Medical Trauma

Before I sat down with Daniella, I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what resilience looked like. We talk about it a lot on this show. But listening to her speak about raising two children with complex medical needs, navigating single motherhood at 22, and healing from a toxic relationship? It floored me.

We need to talk about the things mothers are scared to admit. We need to talk about the fact that you can love your children with every fiber of your being and still grieve the life you thought you were going to have. Daniella didn’t sugarcoat a single second of her story. She didn’t give us the Instagram-filtered version of special needs parenting. She gave us the raw, terrifying, and ultimately beautiful reality.

If you’ve ever felt like you were drowning in appointments, fighting to be heard by doctors, or just wondering who you are outside of being a caregiver, this post is for you.

From Young Mom to Warrior: Daniella’s Story

Daniella’s story starts in a way that might sound familiar to many young moms, but the curveballs life threw at her were relentless. She became a mom to her oldest, Noah, at just 20 years old. She was in college, trying to figure out life, when pre-eclampsia forced an induction at 38 weeks.

She admitted something to me that took so much courage: she didn’t connect with Noah right away. She described leaving the hospital with a crippling anxiety she couldn’t name, feeling like she was just going through the motions. It took ten months for that bond to truly click. And just as she was finding her footing, she realized Noah wasn’t hitting his milestones. He wasn’t crawling. He wasn’t walking. He was stimming.

But life didn’t pause. By 22, Daniella was pregnant with her second son, Zayden. And this is where things got incredibly heavy.

In utero, doctors discovered Zayden had severe issues with his kidneys. He was born with a condition where urine refluxes back up into the kidneys, risking severe infection and damage. Two weeks after birth, Daniella had to watch her newborn baby be strapped down—literally restrained—while doctors inserted needles to run dye tests.

Imagine being 22 years old. You have a toddler who is non-verbal and showing signs of autism, a newborn who is facing surgeries, and then the floor drops out from under you: the boys' father leaves.

Daniella found herself single parenting two medically complex children in the middle of the COVID-19 lockdowns. The boys' father struggled with addiction and eventually walked away, leaving Daniella to pick up the pieces. She moved back in with her mom, fought a two-year court battle for sole custody, and somehow kept going.

As Noah grew, the challenges shifted. He was diagnosed with Autism and later, Epilepsy. Daniella described the terror of watching her son have "absent seizures"—where he would just go blank, staring into space, unable to hear her.

Through it all—the surgeries, the IEP meetings, the court dates—Daniella didn’t just survive. She rebuilt. She went to therapy. She found a partner who stepped up to be the father her boys deserved. And she found her voice.

3 Things I Learned About Advocacy and Resilience

Talking to Daniella shifted my perspective on what it means to fight for your family. Here are the three biggest takeaways that I’m still thinking about days later.

1. You Have to Grieve the Life You Expected

This was the moment that made me cry. Daniella talked about the guilt and the reality of grieving the "normal" motherhood experience. We see people on social media with their matching pajamas and "easy" milestones, and when your reality is medication schedules and neurology appointments, it hurts.

Daniella taught me that grieving isn't a betrayal of your child. You can be their biggest cheerleader and love them ferociously while still feeling sad that things are so hard. You have to let yourself feel that loss to make room for the joy that comes later. If you don't process that grief, it eats you alive.

2. Mother's Intuition is a Medical Diagnostic Tool

One of the scariest parts of Daniella’s story was Noah’s epilepsy. It wasn’t the dramatic seizures you see in movies; it was him "zoning out" while holding a crayon. Teachers thought he was just daydreaming. Doctors dismissed it.

But Daniella knew. She saw a photo his teacher sent where his eyes looked empty, and she pushed for answers.

If she hadn't advocated for him, those seizures could have caused permanent damage. The lesson here is loud and clear: You are the expert on your child. If a doctor tells you it’s "nothing" but your gut says it’s "something," keep pushing. Make noise. Be the "annoying" mom. Your intuition is often more accurate than a medical chart.

3. Healing Can Come from Unexpected Places

Daniella’s relationship with her boys’ biological father was traumatic. There was abandonment, addiction, and a total lack of support. For a long time, she was terrified to let anyone else in.

Then she met her current fiancé—Noah’s barber. He didn't come in trying to "fix" everything; he just showed up. Daniella said something that I’m going to frame: "He healed three hearts without ever breaking them."

It’s a reminder that a chosen family is just as valid, if not more so, than a biological one. Healing didn't just come from therapy (though Daniella is a huge advocate for that, too!); it came from allowing herself to be loved correctly.

The Expert Take: Why "Self-Care" Isn't Enough

We hear the term "self-care" thrown around constantly. Just take a bubble bath! Just go for a walk! But when you are a special needs parent, "self-care" feels like a cruel joke. How do you take a bubble bath when you’re worried your child might have a seizure in the next room?

Daniella’s approach is different. She doesn’t just do "self-care"; she practices self-preservation.

She realized that if she didn't process her own childhood trauma and the abandonment she faced from her ex, she couldn't show up for Noah and Zayden. She started therapy not just to vent, but to break generational cycles. She changed careers from a toxic restaurant environment to becoming a teacher so her schedule would align with her kids.

This is what true resilience looks like. It’s not about enduring pain with a smile. It’s about structurally changing your life to support your mental health.

Daniella mentioned that she’s currently working toward becoming a special education teaching assistant. She is taking her pain, her experience, and her advocacy and turning it into a career that helps other children. That is the ultimate power move. She isn't just surviving her circumstances; she is using them to fuel her future.

You Are Not Alone

If you are reading this and you’re in the thick of it—if you’re waiting on a diagnosis, recovering from a court battle, or just feeling the weight of the world on your chest—please know you aren’t crazy. The anxiety you feel is real. The grief you feel is valid.

As Daniella said to her boys: "Mommy did the best she could." And that is all we can ever do.

Give yourself some grace today. You are doing the impossible, and you are doing it out of love.

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need to hear it. And as always, keep it real, keep it kind, and don't let the haters win.

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