Building a Family When the System Wasn’t Built for You

Queer Fertility Challenges and the Fight to Feel Seen

When the System Keeps Asking for Proof

When I sat down with Morgan—aka Mamo—I thought we’d be talking about IUI, IVF, and fertility logistics. You know, the technical side of trying to get pregnant as a queer couple.

What I didn’t expect was how deeply I’d relate to the emotional toll, the grief, and the constant feeling of being “othered” that queer folks face during fertility treatment.

There was this one moment—maybe 20 minutes in—when Morgan said:“We’re not infertile. We just don’t have sperm in the house.”

I laughed because it was true. But it also gutted me. Because that sentence carries a weight that so many people in this world still don’t understand. This journey isn’t just medical. It’s emotional. Financial. Legal. Exhausting. And so often invisible.

By the end of our conversation, I had tears in my eyes. Not because the story was sad, but because it was honest. And because Morgan’s story gave voice to so many of the unspoken truths I’ve been carrying in my own heart.

A Story of Grief, Pivoting, and Radical Love

Morgan is a queer mom, TTC (trying to conceive) support coach, and community builder. She and her wife went through 16 IUIs—14 of which were Morgan’s—before her wife finally got pregnant and gave birth to their daughter.

That’s 14 cycles of hope.14 two-week waits.14 heartbreaks.

Each cycle brought questions: Why isn’t this working? Are we doing something wrong? Can we afford another vial of sperm?

It’s not just about trying to conceive—it’s about trying to exist in a system that was never designed for families like theirs. Morgan spent years manually tracking her cycle, ordering tanks of sperm, and figuring it out as she went—because there were no clear resources for queer people.

And then came the moment that changed everything:A fertility doctor looked her in the eye and told her that her AMH (ovarian reserve) was so low she should never have started trying in the first place.

She was done. That was it.

And somehow, in the grief, they pivoted. Her wife tried. It worked. And now, Morgan is on a mission to make sure no other queer person feels as alone as she did.

3 Things I Learned About Queer Fertility Challenges

• Grief doesn't wait for a loss—it happens every time a cycle fails.Morgan described the two-week wait as brutal. You’re clinging to any sign, any temperature change, any gut feeling. And then you’re not pregnant. Again.

• Being queer doesn’t mean you’re infertile—but the system treats you like you are.From paperwork to clinics to assumptions from staff, queer couples are often treated like a problem to solve instead of a family in the making.

• Support is everything—and most people don’t know how to give it.Morgan talked about how friends wanted to help but didn’t know how. How providers never asked how she felt. How invisible queer joy can be in the fertility space.

It Was Never About Just Getting Pregnant

At For The Hayters, we don’t just talk about hard stories—we talk about what it means to survive them. And Morgan’s story? It cracked something open in me.

Because this isn’t just about fertility. It’s about being forced to prove your family is real. It's about emotional labor that straight families never have to carry. It’s about taking joy into spaces that weren’t made to hold it.

Morgan isn’t just surviving this space—she’s reshaping it. She’s coaching. Hosting retreats.

Holding space for the grief and the becoming. She’s doing the work most of us wish had been there from the start.

And she’s reminding us that families are not defined by biology or bureaucracy—but by love, resilience, and choosing to try again.

You Deserve to Be Celebrated

If you’re queer and trying to conceive, this episode is your reminder that you’re not alone. That your grief is valid. That your hope is powerful. That your family deserves to be built on joy, not just resilience.

And if you’re not in the queer community, but you love someone who is—this is your opportunity to listen deeper. To show up better. To learn the language. To celebrate the milestones others can’t always see.

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