Making the Hardest Choice: How Going No Contact Became the Only Path to Peace

We grow up hearing that "blood is thicker than water" so often that we start to believe we owe our families our souls, even when they’re crushing us.

Before I sat down with Katie , I thought I understood what a "difficult" family dynamic looked like. But what Katie shared with me on this episode of For The Hayters wasn't just about "difficulty." It was about survival.

We need to talk about the reality of family estrangement. It is the taboo topic that nobody wants to touch because it makes people uncomfortable. But listening to Katie describe how, at three years old, she internalized the belief that she was "nasty" and "poisonous" broke my heart.

If you have ever felt like the black sheep, the scapegoat, or the person who has to set yourself on fire to keep your family warm, you need to read this. Katie’s story is a masterclass in realizing that sometimes, walking away isn't an act of rebellion—it’s an act of self-preservation.

The Girl Who Thought She Was Poison

Katie didn’t wake up one day and decide to cut off her family on a whim. It was the result of a lifetime of being told, both explicitly and implicitly, that she didn't matter.

She grew up in Dublin, the second of four girls, in a home where the air was thick with unwritten rules and emotional neglect. Her older sister was the "sick child"—the one who needed protection, attention, and care. By default, that made Katie the "strong one," or more accurately, the invisible one.

But it wasn't just about being ignored. It was about being targeted.

Katie told me about a meditation she did where she recovered a memory from when she was three years old. She was standing under the dining room table, and her mother was pointing at her, telling her she was "nasty."

"I believed that I was a nasty person,"

Katie told me.

"I felt that there was something poisonous... and eventually I was like, I'm the poison. It's me."

For years, she played the role. She was the dutiful daughter who visited every other weekend, even though she lived across the country. She was the one who followed her older sister around like a puppy, desperate for approval that never came. She accepted the bullying from her siblings because her parents either ignored it or, worse, facilitated it to keep the peace for themselves.

The cracks started to show when she realized that her compliance wasn't buying her love; it was just buying her tolerance.

The breaking point wasn't one massive explosion, but a series of painful realizations. It was her mother "ghosting" her because Katie decided to visit once a month instead of every two weeks. It was a birthday where her sister verbally attacked her while her mother stood by and watched, doing absolutely nothing.

But the final straw came via a text message. After pulling back to protect her own mental health, Katie received a message from her mother. It wasn't an apology. It wasn't a question asking, "Are you okay?" It was a numbered list of eight things Katie had done wrong and things her mother had done right. It was a receipt of transactions, not a letter of love.

Katie read that message and had a thought that changed everything:

"I don't have a mother anymore."

And for the first time in her life, instead of trying to fix it, she blocked the number. She chose herself.

3 Things I Learned About Breaking Free From Toxic Dynamics

Listening to Katie speak, I was struck by how much clarity she has now, but also by how confusing the fog of abuse is when you're in the middle of it. Here are three major takeaways from our conversation that I think will resonate with anyone struggling with their family.

1. The "Cotton Wool Brain" is a Stress Response

Katie mentioned something that really stuck with me. She said that whenever she was on the phone with her mother or in her family's presence, her brain turned to "cotton wool." She couldn't think straight. She would get off a call and have to ask a friend to help her interpret what had just happened because she physically couldn't process it.

I learned that this isn't just "forgetfulness"—it's a trauma response. When your nervous system is in a state of high alert (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), your prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for logic and reasoning—literally shuts down.

If you feel confused, foggy, or unable to speak your truth around your family, it’s not because you’re stupid. It’s because your body doesn't feel safe.

2. "No" is a Complete Sentence (Even if They Don't Read It)

Katie grew up with a father who believed that "a 'no' is just a deferred 'yes'." This destroyed her ability to set boundaries for years because she was taught that her refusal was just the start of a negotiation.

When she finally set the ultimate boundary—no contact—she had to do it with an iron grip. Her mother ignored her requests for space. Her family ignored the text messages where she explained why she was stepping back. They literally pretended she hadn't said it.

I learned that you cannot wait for a toxic person to agree to your boundary. They never will. You have to set it and hold it, even if they are banging on the door (or in Katie's case, blowing up your phone) demanding to be let back in.

3. The Euphoria of "Orphanhood"

This was the most shocking and raw moment of the interview for me. Katie described a moment before the final cut-off, where her mother hadn't texted her for 24 hours during an argument. Katie sat in her chair and realized she might be estranged.

Instead of panic, she felt euphoria. She said it was the best 12 hours of her life. The realization that "I don't have a family" felt like a weight being lifted off her chest.

Society tells us that losing family is a tragedy. But Katie taught me that when that family is the source of your pain, losing them feels like freedom. It feels like the poison is finally leaving your system.

The Expert Take: Why You Have to Be Your Own Advocate

I want to take a second to connect Katie's story to something we talk about a lot on For The Hayters: the concept of self-advocacy.

Katie spent decades waiting for someone else to save her. She waited for her parents to stop the bullying. She waited for her sister to be kind. She waited for her mom to validate her feelings. None of those things happened.

The hardest truth about growing up in a dysfunctional home is that no one is coming to rescue you. You have to rescue yourself.

Katie did this by leaning into external support systems. She used therapy to understand that her "normal" wasn't normal. She used meditation to learn how to sit with her own feelings without numbing them (though she admitted to using alcohol initially to cope with the shock, which is a very human, raw reaction).

She also learned to trust her gut—her "vibe check." She spoke about how she now navigates the world, specifically with men, by listening to her body. If she gets a bad feeling, she walks away. She doesn't stick around to see if she's wrong. She doesn't gaslight herself anymore.

This is the ultimate victory of the scapegoat. When you walk away from the people who told you that you were "wrong" your whole life, you finally get the space to realize that you were right all along. You begin to trust your own perception of reality.

As Katie said so beautifully:

"I feel like I'm energetically a lot bigger and I'm able to take up more space. Whereas they were like, 'You have to stay in this little tiny box.'"

You Are Not The Problem

If you are reading this and your stomach is in knots because Katie’s story sounds a little too familiar, I want you to take a breath.

Katie’s message to her younger self—and to you—is simple: You are not the problem.

Toxic family systems need a problem to function. They need a scapegoat to carry the shame so the rest of them don't have to look at it. If that role was assigned to you, it is not a reflection of your character. It is a reflection of their dysfunction.

Walking away is painful. It comes with guilt, shame, and the fear of what people will say. But as Katie proved, on the other side of that guilt is a life where you are free to be yourself, move to Spain, write a book, and finally, finally breathe.

You deserve peace. You deserve respect. And you are not alone.

🎧 Listen to For The Hayters on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

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Also, please check out Katie’s book, You Were Never The Problem, available on Amazon, and connect with her on Instagram at @SulisRelaxation.