Surviving the "Double Betrayal": How to Heal When Your Best Friend Dates Your Ex

We need to talk about "Girl Code."

We all know the rules. But what happens when the person you’ve trusted since 10th grade—the one who knows all your secrets, your traumas, and exactly how toxic your ex was—decides to cross that line?

In this episode of For The Hayters, I sat down with Kari, a survivor of emotional abuse and a woman who has walked through the fire of a "Double Betrayal." Her story isn't just about a bad breakup; it’s about the earth-shattering moment when your support system becomes the source of your pain.

If you have ever felt like you are "damaged goods" or that healthy love just isn't in the cards for you, Kari’s journey from self-medicating to finding a "Green Flag" husband is the hope you need today.

The Cycle of Abandonment and Toxic Love

To understand why Kari stayed in toxic relationships, we had to go back to the beginning. Like so many of us, Kari dealt with abandonment early on—a biological father who signed away his rights and an adoptive father who eventually said, "She reminds me too much of you, I can't be around her."

When you grow up feeling unwanted by the men who are supposed to protect you, you stop looking for respect and start settling for attention.

At 21, Kari met her son’s father. The relationship was a rollercoaster of heavy drinking, controlling behavior, and emotional abuse. But because there were no physical bruises, Kari told herself, "It’s not that bad."

(Side note: If you are reading this and thinking, "Well, he never hit me," please know that emotional safety is just as valid as physical safety.)

The Ultimate Betrayal

The hardest part of this interview for me was hearing about "The Betrayal."

Kari had finally broken free from her toxic relationship. She was confiding in her best friend of nearly a decade. She thought she was safe.

Then, during a night out, a group of friends dropped a bomb on her: "So, how do you feel about your baby daddy and your best friend being together?"

They didn't just date. They moved in together within two months.

Kari was left navigating single motherhood while watching her abuser and her confidant build a life together. The trauma of that deception sent her into a spiral of depression and self-medicating. She felt unlovable. She felt like she couldn't trust anyone ever again.

3 Things I Learned About Trust and "Green Flags"

Kari didn't stay in that dark place. She rebuilt her life, and eventually, she met Kyle—the neighbor who would become her husband. Here is what her journey taught me:

1. Real Love is Patient with Your Trauma

When Kari started dating Kyle, she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. She actually sat on the couch and cried, telling him, "You just need to leave me." She expected him to run. Instead, he said, "I'm not leaving you." When she had a panic attack because he was at a golf course (and her trauma brain said he was cheating), he didn't get angry. He sent a photo of the golf course and suggested therapy. That is what a secure partner looks like.

2. The "Car Confessional" Parenting Hack

Kari is raising a teenage son, Dylan, and she is determined to break the cycle of toxicity. She dropped a piece of parenting gold during this episode: Have the hard conversations in the car. "They can't run away," she joked. But in reality, the car is a safe space. No eye contact is required. It’s just driving and talking. It has helped her raise an emotionally intelligent young man who goes to therapy not because he's "broken," but to maintain his health.

3. Abuse Isn't a Competition

Kari said something profound: "Don't negate what you're going through just because someone else has it worse." For years, she minimized her pain because others had it "harder." But pain is not a competition. You don't need to be in the ICU to justify leaving a relationship that makes you feel small.

The Expert Take: You Can Trust Yourself Again

The biggest question I had for Kari was: How do you trust again after everyone leaves?

Her answer wasn't about blindly trusting others; it was about learning to trust her own judgment.

After the betrayal, Kari’s "picker" was broken. She didn't trust herself to see the red flags. But through therapy, she learned that the problem wasn't that she was unlovable—it was that she had been trained to accept breadcrumbs.

When her aunt passed away in a tragic car accident, Kyle didn't just offer condolences. He drove Kari to the hospital. He went to the funeral. He visited the grave months later to clean it up.

That is the difference between a "Nice Guy" and a Good Man.

If you are currently in the thick of a toxic cycle, Kari’s story is proof that you are not "ruined." You are just healing. And there is a life on the other side of this where you can read a book, get a pedicure, and be loved by someone who actually likes you.

🎧 Listen to For The Hayters on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

📺 Watch the full video episode on YouTube

💬 Share this post with a friend who needs to feel less alone