The Truth About Harm OCD: Surviving Intrusive Thoughts & The Stigma of "Bad" Thoughts

Before I sat down with Noah, I thought I understood intrusive thoughts. We all have them, right? That split-second weird image that pops into your head where you think, "What if I just drove my car off the road?" or "What if I yelled in this quiet church?"

For me, I usually just shake my head, think "Okay Becky, that was messed up," and move on with my day.

But what happens when that thought doesn't go away? What happens when it sticks, repeats, and convinces you that you’re a monster?

In this episode of For The Hayters, I sat down with Noah, a 28-year-old veteran who lives with a specific, often misunderstood type of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) known as "Harm OCD." His story isn't just about mental health; it's about the terrifying experience of being punished for being honest.

If you have ever felt like a prisoner of your own mind, you need to read this.

When the "Protector" Becomes the "Monster"

Noah’s story is gut-wrenching because he is clearly such a gentle soul. He grew up as the "fixer" in his family, helping raise his five brothers. He is an empath. He wants to help people.

But in 2018, while serving in the Army, Noah’s brain turned on him.

He was helping a friend care for her baby—a child he wanted to support—when he was suddenly hit with a graphic, violent image of harming the infant.

Let’s get real for a second: He did not want to do this. He was horrified by the thought. But unlike a neurotypical brain that dismisses the thought as "weird noise," Noah’s brain latched onto it. It became a movie screen he couldn't turn off.

The tragedy here is how the system responded. When Noah finally worked up the courage to tell a therapist, "I’m having thoughts of hurting this baby, and I’m scared I might do it so I want to kill myself to stop it," he wasn't met with compassion. He was met with containment.

The Army cited a "duty to warn." They told the mother. They banned Noah from being around children. They treated him like a criminal in the making, rather than a person in crisis.

3 Things I Learned About Harm OCD and "Sticky Brains"

Noah’s journey from being hospitalized and treated like a danger to society, to finally getting a proper diagnosis in 2020, taught me so much. Here are the biggest takeaways from our conversation:

1. The "Sticky Brain" Theory

Noah explained the difference between regular intrusive thoughts and OCD perfectly. He calls it "Sticky Brain." When I have a dark thought, I can acknowledge it and let it pass. For someone with OCD, the thought is sticky. It lingers. It demands attention. And because it causes so much distress, the brain thinks, "This must be important. I must focus on this." It’s a vicious cycle that has nothing to do with your actual desires.

2. The Stigma is Dangerous

The most heartbreaking part of Noah's interview was hearing how the military’s reaction actually made him worse. They validated his worst fear: that he was a bad person. He told me, "I internalized the idea that I was a monster." When we treat mental health emergencies like criminal intent, we stop people from asking for help. Noah was essentially punished for his honesty.

3. The Gold Standard: ERP Therapy

For years, therapists tried to dig into Noah’s childhood trauma to "fix" the thoughts. It didn't work. It wasn't until he found a specialist who used Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy that he found relief. This therapy teaches you to sit with the anxiety of the thought without performing a compulsion (like tapping or counting) to neutralize it. It teaches the brain: This thought cannot hurt me.

The Expert Take: You Are Not Your Thoughts

As I listened to Noah, I kept thinking about Identity.

So many of the guests I interview on For The Hayters—whether they are dealing with chronic illness, grief, or trauma—struggle with the gap between who they are and what is happening to them.

Noah is not his OCD. He is a brother, a veteran, and a survivor. But for years, the medical and military systems gaslit him into believing his symptoms were his character.

If there is one thing I want you to take away from this episode, it’s this: A thought is just a thought. It has no moral value. Having a violent thought doesn't make you a violent person. In fact, the distress you feel about the thought is proof that it goes against your nature.

Noah has a tattoo on his arm that says "Stay." He defined it as: "Stay for the opportunity for things to get better."

If you are in the trenches right now, fighting your own brain, please listen to Noah. You are not a monster. You are just human, and you deserve to stay.

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