What No One Told Me About Postpartum Depression

Before I sat down with Nicole, I thought I understood postpartum depression on an intellectual level. I had heard the statistics. I’d seen the headlines. I’d listened to other stories. But I hadn’t yet experienced motherhood myself — and that mattered more than I realized.

There’s a moment during our conversation I’ll never forget. Nicole described looking at the inflatable kiddie pool in her backyard and thinking, “I could just drop her in, and it’d all be over.”Not because she wanted to hurt her daughter — but because she didn’t want to exist anymore.

That moment stopped me cold. It wasn’t shock. It was recognition. Not of motherhood — but of despair. Of that terrifying place where survival feels heavier than living. And it made me realize just how deeply misunderstood postpartum depression really is.

Nicole’s Story: When Survival Becomes the Goal

Nicole grew up in a small town in North Carolina with a childhood that, on the surface, seemed pretty typical. But as she moved into adulthood, she entered a 7 year abusive relationship that slowly stripped her of her sense of self.

He controlled her emotionally. He manipulated her. He admitted to getting her addicted to pain pills so she would use with him — and help pay for them. Money came in one week and was gone by Sunday. Over and over again.

By the time she left, Nicole was exhausted in ways that don’t show up in photos. Her hair had fallen out. Her body was frail. Her confidence was gone. And still — leaving took everything she had.

Eventually, she met Stephen. The opposite of everything she had known. Calm. Patient. Steady. Someone who showed her that love doesn’t hurt and safety doesn’t come with strings attached. When they decided to have a baby, it felt like life was finally aligning.

But the moment she became pregnant, something shifted.

Postpartum Depression Starts Earlier Than We Talk About

Nicole wanted this baby. She had dreamed of motherhood since she was seventeen. Her pregnancy was planned. Her daughter was deeply wanted. But around nine or ten weeks in, she noticed something wasn’t right.

She felt disconnected. Sad. Numb. Terrified by thoughts she didn’t recognize as her own.

What she was experiencing was perinatal depression — depression during pregnancy — but no one explained that to her. Doctors brushed it off as hormones. Normal pregnancy emotions. Something that would pass.

It didn’t.

Instead, it followed her into birth… and into postpartum.

After her daughter was born, the depression deepened. Nicole didn’t feel bonded. She felt like she was babysitting someone else’s child. She loved her daughter — but she didn’t feel like a mother.

And the scariest part? She didn’t want to hurt her baby. She wanted to disappear herself.

Her therapist eventually advised that she not be alone with her daughter due to the severity of her mental state — not because she was a danger to her child, but because she was a danger to herself.

That distinction matters.

3 Things I Learned About Postpartum Depression

1. Wanting a baby doesn’t protect you

Nicole wanted this life more than anything. Desire doesn’t cancel depression. Gratitude doesn’t cure it.

2. Silence makes it worse

Nicole hid how bad things were because she didn’t want to burden her husband. Shame kept her quiet — and nearly cost her everything.

3. One person can save a life

Her best friend Audrey noticed what others missed. She stepped in when Nicole couldn’t advocate for herself. And that intervention changed everything.

The Bigger Picture: Why These Stories Matter

As the host of For The Hayters, I’ve listened to hundreds of stories about grief, trauma, and survival. But this conversation reshaped how I understand motherhood — before stepping into it myself.

Because postpartum depression doesn’t look like weakness. It doesn’t look like failure. It looks like exhaustion, fear, and isolation — often hidden behind smiles and baby photos.

Nicole’s story is why we need to stop romanticizing motherhood without acknowledging its complexity. Why we need medical professionals to listen sooner. Why partners and friends need to ask better questions. And why women need permission to say, “I’m not okay,” without fear of judgment.

This isn’t about blaming anyone. It’s about building awareness before someone reaches a breaking point.

If You’re Reading This and Struggling

You are not broken. You are not ungrateful. You are not alone.

Postpartum depression — and perinatal depression — can happen to anyone. Especially people who want motherhood deeply.

Please hear this clearly: asking for help is not a failure. It is survival.

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Support Resources Mentioned in This Episode

• Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net

• Anchor Perinatal Wellness (North Carolina): https://anchorperinatalwellness.com

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988

If Nicole’s story resonates with you, share this episode. Talk about it. Let it be the thing that reminds someone — maybe even you — that they don’t have to carry this alone.